The Crossroads

I honestly don't know what to do right now. I feel like I haven't been myself lately. I put on a mask whenever I'm with people when in reality, I've lost interest in virtually everything I used to love. I am no longer a nursing major, a cross trainer, or in choir. I go through my contacts and every single person seems so foreign to me. Every weekend I'm just here in my room, playing with my dog, and studying. I miss having plans, I miss having spontaneous friends, and I miss the time when I felt content with everything. I guess what I've learned is that life is not going to slow down. It's completely normal to dwell in the past, but don't get too attached to it. I have no idea where to go next, but I believe that things will eventually get better. Who maybe this will lead to me moving out.

Future.

I've always believed in permanence and I believe that the steady careers are found in the medical field. You can't get more stable than working in a hospital. Everyone is going to need help so you're never going to be out of a job. I believe that Nursing is the career that will give me everything that I want, a stable job, good income, ability to help people, and maybe even a family whom I can support knowing that I make good money.

However, I guess life doesn't always turn out the way you want it too. I wasn't blessed with skills in science. I have never excelled in science in my entire life. I took Anatomy for the first time in my life this semester in hopes that I somehow find my niche in science. I didn't. I completely sucked at anatomy and therefore I withdrew from the class and I have decided to change my major. Yes, I love the idea of becoming a nurse, I've been pushing myself for the past 2 years in junior college, but I obviously wasn't pushing myself hard enough. I'm unsure of my future, but I do know that taking this anatomy class was definitely a wake up call. I got a minuscule taste of what the rest of my pre-reqs will be like. I knew that it wouldn't get any harder, but it wasn't going to get any easier as well.

Essentially I'm starting from scratch all over again. Who knows, maybe I'll want to become a nurse or a respiratory therapist someday...All I know is that I'm not called to be a nurse or anything in the medical field at the moment.

I'm Back!

It's been a while since I checked out this old blog and looking back at everything makes me laugh. I'm going through a time machine reading through all of these posts laughing at how descriptive and how open I was. Back then, I swore like I had protective enchantments whenever I talked shit about people I hated. Though I had alot of hate in this blog, I don't regret one bit of anything I blogged about. And that is the only reason why this shit is still here. I want to be able to look back at this someday and laugh at how foolish I was..days like today haha.

Update:
- I'm still in Junior College. I'm going into my 3rd year of college in a few days. This Junior College shit has been a hard fought battle and right now I'm losing. I have a freakin 2.5 gpa because that laziness from high school carried on to today. Don't worry I'm going to make strides this semester, I'm gaining motivation.

-Nursing major still. I still love helping people emotionally and spiritually. I feel called to invest in a career that helps people physically as well. I love feeling like a hero in someone's life.

- I'm so anti-cross training now. Well, I mean I love facilitating teens and enriching my faith and everything, but that turned into a popularity contest in my last full year of cross training (which was in 2010). People started playing favorites and being shady towards others and that is something I didn't want to be a part of. I felt like I didn't belong there anymore because I've never done a talk or something. I know the ministry is not for the sole purpose of social reasons and I understand that, but I'm pretty damn sure that's why people left. I'm pretty sure people are still annoyed of the public affirmations on facebook that make others feel like shit, I am for sure.

Now with all of that up in the air, I was in a hiatus during the 2010-2011 season. I kept thinking about my future career and didn't want the ministry to set me back because of it. I did not want to end up staying in cross training for like 6 years+ and watch my friends get married, graduate, enter the priesthood/sisterhood, etc. I didn't want to be on the sidelines watching my friends succeed while I'm still in the same spot. Yes, I have seen this happen before and I felt like that was where I was headed if I didn't focus on school.

For almost all of fall semester I didn't go to any events and only went to 2 meetings. I "came back" during the 2nd half of the season, but only to eventually use it as a social and spiritual crutch. I was able to make it on the retreat roster for may though and that was quite an experience since I didn't see any action the whole season. I had a really great group of guys.

But now, I feel like it's time for me to move on. I want to grow my faith further and test it without going through the same repetitive motions and listening to the same stories over and over. I don't want my faith to be based upon "feelings."

- On another note, I was in choir last year haha. I was in Fullerton College's Concert Choir. It gave me the boost I needed for college. I made some great friends and memories and sang some beautiful compositions. Event though I wasn't able to afford the Austria/Germany tour with them, it was great to have joined a choir again. As you're probably thinking, I'm not returning to choir as well. It's an indefinite pause, I need to push myself towards my career in nursing. No distractions, just school. I don't know when I'll be in a choir next but if that chapter in my life is truly over, it's been quite a ride. I am still close friends with some of the people I met over the years in ayala choir and I thank roddy for all of that. I wouldn't have met them if it wasn't for him.

-Girls. Well, I honestly haven't felt interested in anyone since senior year. No one has really been catching my eye or given me the strength to actually try to spit game. I'm just going with the flow, not really searching for anyone at the moment.

-Alcohol. I still don't fully understand it's purpose sometimes. I don't really understand why people need to drink every time they're with their friends. I mean I understand drinking as a social stimulant, but it's ridiculous when people start depending on it to make everything fun. I go to disneyland sober, I go to the beach sober, I go bowling sober, etc. Honestly, life isn't boring without alcohol and if it is for you maybe you're hanging out with the wrong crowd. I don't need any substance to make my life full, that's where God, my friends, and family come in

-Picking up off of that, I am nowhere near perfect. I'm not implying that I think I'm any better than anyone else. I don't think highly of myself just because I don't do drugs or anything.

btw here's my newer tumblr: suckmydiction.tumblr.com

roses are red, violets are blue...

fuck you whore!! hahaha. (500) days of summer was a really good movie! great soundtrack, acting, and there were no boring parts at all. it made me feel like crap after though. it had a good message in the end though, on how to sort of get out of the feeling of hopelessness. but i swear whenever i try getting at a girl i always seem to relate to joseph gordon-levitt's characters in this movie and in 10 things i hate about you. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8tJoIaXZ0rw

summa's over...

i had a fun summer, it seriously went by fast and now im officially a college student. time flies...its so crazy saying bye to friends as they go off to do bigger things out of state. especially much love goes out to tim who's now in bethel in minnesota and yonas who's out at perdue in indiana. tiffany moved out to san diego, but she came back 2 days later haha. in that day she was gone, i bought a macbook pro and we bought our new puppy, shia....lawoof! kinda cool how my parents actually let us have a dog, they've been saying no to us throughout our whole lives. it seems like the only way we could've gotten a dog is if tiffany moves out hahaha. nahh just playing, but he's been keeping us up almost all night. college started and to be honest it really doesn't feel like it yet, it feels like im in high school, but im here for like a weekend. its super crazy trying to get classes with these recent budget cuts, cutting 20% of the classes. petitioning is a real bitch. i petitioned for 7 classes this week, out of them i made it into 2 of them well so far. wish me luck on english 100f tomorrow! im not doing choir over here anymore, so don't call me a choir boy anymore at least not until next semester hopefully. well as of now, wish me luck! haha lame -______________-

perfection...

both musically and physically: alyssa bernal :)

My Summer

the summer has been interesting, but also bittersweet...

upside:
graduation, grad nite, grad parties
disneyland 11 times
chillin with friends (random movie nights, swimming, trips to the beach, getty, etc.)
midnight movie premieres, great summer movies
in my opinion, the craziest off-season in the nba since 2004
(which included shaq, t-mac, steve nash, and more getting traded)
lakers re-sign lamar odom and pick-up ron artest!

downside:
R.I.P. Cainaan Wendt, Michael Jackson, Farrah Faucett, Ed Mcmahon, and Billy Mays
couldn't get any classes at fullerton college
no summer love...whateves man
scissor lock....scary shit man hahaha